I think I'm in denial. Today Val is getting the first dose in her last cycle of chemo. That means 3 more Mondays like this one and then it's over. People keep saying things like, "So in January it's over?" And I keep saying, "No. Probably February." Which makes absolutely no sense and I know it. What the hell is going on with me? Even when I start to examine it in my own mind, a wall descends. I think of things to distract myself. Is it difficult for me to believe there could be an end, even for a little while? Or can I not deal with the emotions an ending will bring on yet because I've still got 3 more treatments after this one? My mind says, "Just leave it the fuck alone. Read Catching Fire again. Nothing to see here." Okay, self. Okay.
Even the end isn't really The End. She'll have to go in once a month for flushes of her port. Once every 3 months for an MRI. As soon as one of the scans shows growth, she'll be back to treatment. Dr Jeff said probably 6 to 9 months until we're back. He's hoping for long enough that she'll catch up on her immunizations before beginning chemo again.
I need to steel myself against believing in being 'cured' and 'done.' This shit's for life. She'll have treatment on and off until she's old enough to vote and drink and smoke. I wish there was a The End. There's not. Just those frustrating To Be Continued....s.
No comments:
Post a Comment