I keep a Facebook group about my child's cancer full of concise, positive, informational posts. Does this represent reality? Yes. Does it accurately depict my reality? Fuck no.
For example:
Today's group post: "Val's levels were good enough to get chemo today! And she had a very special visitor. She also discovered Magformers and was fascinated. She walked non-stop all over the unit while I ran around behind her with the IV pole. Chemo appointments are going to be much more difficult from now on. The cribs won't be seeing much use."
Today's reality: "Today fucking sucked."
Yeah, there's a lot of normalish happyish things that happen on chemo days, but I also hold her down while she cries and people stick her with needles, I force many types of antinausea meds down her just to have her throw up anyway, she wants to explore because she's just learned to really walk around and she has to do it while attached to an IV pole.
She's a year and a half. So I calmly clean up vomit, change my clothes, give her a bath, give her more meds, calm her sister who got yelled at, and find her a blanky. Then I sit in a room away from my kids and I cry and feel angry and sad and try to keep a panic attack at bay, because even though it really isn't all that bad, I still had to take my tiny child for weekly chemo because she has an inoperable brain tumor. And that's why today fucking sucks.
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